Unruly Teenagers? Here's Help

                                       Unruly Teenagers? Here’s Help

Who hasn’t had their teenager tell them that they hate them? I know I haven’t. Any and all punishment I gave my kids was met with an equally and just as hurtful statement such as I hate you. But, what are you going to do? Nothing because you know that at the time of the disciplining they mean it, but in 20 minutes or so they will ask for something and then you will again be an awesome mom or dad. 

It’s one of those ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ moments. Seriously, we can’t always be the good guy and our kids have to know this, and one way for them to learn this is by setting guidelines for them, having expectations that they can easily meet, and respecting them and their space.

I’m certainly not saying to let them run rampant. What I am advising is to allow them some choices. Because allowing them to be able to make their own choices earlier in their life, will enable them to be able to make even better choices later in their life.

 But, let’s say that someone replaced your darling sweet precious daughter with the teenager from hell and she is capable of ripping your house apart within 2 seconds. Let’s also say that a switch gets flipped inside her brain where she is the sweet lovable child that you remember for a few seconds and then suddenly turns into someone you do not recognize, but you are now getting more familiar with as you are seeing this person more and more. Now what should you do?

Take a deep breath and realize that this too, shall pass. This phase will last until she is in her mid-twenties or so then she will remember everything you have ever done for her and how you have stood by her through it all. She will also apologize and thank you for getting her through those teenaged years.

I know that doesn’t help you now, right at this very moment. Don’t worry I am here to help. What you should do now depends on how destructive, disrespectful, and disobedient your child is being. Is she or he the devil spawn? Or is she or he just being the typical over assertive teenager? If it is the first, you may need to consider counseling. However, if your teenager is like the latter, this is easy peasy.

                            Guidelines – The Foundation Of Your Home

One thing that needs to be done is that you need to sit down and look at your guidelines. If you don’t have any, then that’s where the problem lies and it will be difficult to start implementing any guidelines now since the kids in your home have been running amuck from the very beginning. However, it isn’t impossible.

To get started on devising your list of guidelines (I am use the word guidelines instead of rules because rules are made to be broken…) sit down with your whole family and go through everything you would like for them to do and how you want them to act. You need to listen to your children’s opinions and objections, because unless there is total cooperation from everyone, no amount of guidelines will work. Also discuss the repercussions for not following the household guidelines and listen to your children’s opinions to these as well. However, the parents should be the ones to determine the consequences, not the children because that gives them too much power.

The guidelines and expectations will be different for each family. But some examples that have worked in my family are the following:

·        Homework is to be done as soon as you get home from school.

·        You will do your own laundry beginning at the age of 12.

·        Overnight stays only happen on weekend nights.

·        You will respect this house by not slamming doors or throwing objects.

·        You break it, too bad. I will not replace it.

·        I do not have to like your friends (and vise versa) but they must be respectful in my home. If not, they are not welcome back.

·        If you want the name brand shoes/jeans/shirts, get a job and pay for them yourself.

·        However, your job is to get an education first.

Those are just a few of our guidelines that we had when our children were younger. They knew what was expected of me and I knew what I could expect of them.

Ok, guidelines are in place, now what? Now you need to follow through with the guidelines and consequences especially if they choose not to follow these guidelines. And, they will try to challenge them. Do not allow the consequences to be up for debate because the children know exactly what is going to happen if they do not follow them, and if you allow leniency just once, they will not take the guidelines seriously.

                                                         Respect

“Men are respectable only as they respect,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson

The most important part of raising children is giving them the respect that you demand as a parent. Respect is earned, not given to willy-nilly, nor by demanding it, but by showing it to people first. How do you show respect to your children? The most first step in showing respect to your children is by making them feel important. Or, in simpler terms; spend time with them. That’s it. It is crucial to start this when they are young, that way you are less apt to run into respect issues as they grow into teenagers. Nevertheless, you can always show respect to your children, regardless of age. 

There have been recent studies to show that spending time with your children will increase their self-esteem and make them more willing to seek out positive social interactions. Sometimes the reason why teenagers act out towards their parents is due to peer pressure. If they already have a good grip on their self-esteem, they will want to pursue positive relationships with other people. The very first positive relationship should always be with their parents.

     This Doesn’t Help Me – I Have The Devil Child From You-Know-Where   

Why do you have the devil’s child? What happened? Something must have happened for your child to act like this way. Is it drugs or alcohol induced? Is it depression? Is it peer pressure or trouble at school? Is it because of something that is happening in the family such as an illness, death or a divorce? Find the reason, because within the reason is the solution.  

There are two thoughts to this scenario. The first being to seek professional help. The second is to start from where you know the trouble started and focus on that, but not too much where that is the main focus. Acknowledge it, it happened, now move on.

For more help with teenaged drug or alcohol addiction, this may help as I have limited experience on this type of issue:  http://www.theantidrug.com/ei/

A good website to help your teenager deal with grief is this one: http://www.webmd.com/balance/helping-teens-who-are-grieving

If you need any more help with your teenager, don’t hesitate to ask. If I don’t know the answers, we will find them together.

Part two of this article will be posted within a day or two.