Do You Know The Signs of Bullying?

As we approach a new school year, it is sad that we once again have to talk about the vicious act of bullying in schools. Keep this list handy and talk to your child through out the school year about bullying and its effect. Together we can stop bullying. Pay close attention to this list, most children do not tell a parent or teacher that they are being bullied. The kids doing the bullying usually warn the other kids not to tell.

Signs That Your Child is Being Bullied

1. Unexplained injuries
2. Sudden onset of illness in the mornings or a serious lack of enthusiasm for school
3. Personal belongings either lost or destroyed
4. Grades slipping
5. Bedtime issues
6. Low self esteem

Signs That Your Child May Be a Bully

1. Quick temper
2. Constant physical or verbal altercations
3. Unexplained appearances of belongings that do not belong to them
4. Does not take responsibility for their own actions
5. Always in trouble at school

 Why Do Kids Bully

Kids who bully also have low self esteem issues. It is important to remember that the one doing the bullying is the one with the problem, not the kid who is being bullied. Typically, someone else, probably an adult, is bullying the kid who is doing the bullying. Or, they have very permissive parents who do not take responsibility for their child’s actions or blames other children for their child’s actions.

Why Kids Don’t Tell

There are many reasons why kids don’t tell an adult when they are being bullied. A very good reason that many do not consider is because the child that is being bullied already feels helpless and as if no one cares. In which case they may feel that no one will help anyway and they are doomed to live the rest of their school career being bullied. They may see no way out except for taking extreme actions such as suicide or murder.

What You Can Do If You See Someone Being Bullied

Whether you, the one reading this, are a child or an adult, you have the power to stop bullying when you see it happening. Go tell someone. Befriend the child being bullied. These kids need many friends; because nothing is worse than thinking you don’t have anyone in your corner. If you can get more people to befriend the child who is being bullied, it will stop. Bullying usually happens when they are all alone or when the bully has someone cheering him on.

  

What You Can Do If You’re Being Bullied

Tell somebody. If they don’t listen, tell somebody else. Keep telling people until it is stopped. There is no shame in getting it stopped. The shame lies in the continuing of such an awful act of hate towards a single person. The shame lies when kids try to end it in a way that causes harm to themselves or by taking out the offenders.

The Number One Reason Why Most Marriages Fail

                           The Number One Reason Why Most Marriages Fail

There are less people getting married today than there were just ten years ago. Recent statistics show that 1 in every 2 marriages end in divorce. Why is that? It could be any number of reasons from cheating spouses to irreconcilable differences. But, the number one reason lies within the home. It is how spouses treat one another.

Validation

The definition of validation is to make valid; to give official sanction confirmation or approval to. Synonyms for validation are: Acceptance, affirmation, approval, authenticating, recognition, etc. Most people do not validate each other. We go about our daily lives taking each other for granted without stopping to appreciate our spouses.

This is where some will argue that they don’t need to be validated. “Proof of a job well done is good enough” people will say. If that were true, then why do we always try to impress our bosses to show them just how well of a job we can do? Or, to outdo our friends when it comes to impressing them with possessions? We want to be validated. We want to feel important to someone. 

A person goes home to their spouse and 2 different scenarios can transpire - He or she could go home to a spouse that makes them feel very important, the king or queen of the castle, if you will. Or, that person could go home to their spouse who sees him or her as a nuisance, as an intruder, or as a scapegoat, or even as someone to beat to the ground when things don’t go their way.

You know the kind of person I am talking about. It could be one of your friends who thinks her husband doesn’t do anything right. He doesn’t make love in a way that sends fireworks to her head, he doesn’t discipline the children so she’s always the bad guy, or he doesn’t do the chores correctly and she always has to redo them. The poor guy can’t do anything to please his wife. Is this his fault or is it the wife’s fault? Certainly isn’t his fault. He could be perfect in every way, but she would still find fault because she doesn’t understand that making her husband feel important isn’t just a boost to his ego, but vital to their marriage.

How about we look at it from a different angle. Let’s say that a woman is the one that doesn’t feel important in the marriage. Let’s envision that she makes a big impressive meal and clean the house after working a typical 8-hour shift, but her husband doesn’t notice or doesn’t think he should thank her for her efforts. There could be any number of reasons why this happens. But for argument sake, let’s just say that it’s because he just doesn’t think it’s that hard to keep a house clean and to plan and prepare a healthy meal for the family. More often than not, when you are young and newly married, you just don’t think of those kinds of things, because it’s hard enough to think about yourself, let alone another human being. So, she does all this hard work and gets no feedback from her husband. Later on that night, while they are lying in bed, he makes advances towards her, but is met with resistance and has no idea why she won’t reciprocate.

When we don’t validate our spouses they look for that need elsewhere. He will look for it in the work place, which wouldn’t be such a bad thing, unless he neglects his family; or he will look for it in a specific way with another person so he can be made to feel important, as in a sexual rendezvous or just an emotional pursuit. 

Either one of those, a sexual encounter or an emotional relationship, can be quite devastating to the marriage and more often than not, because that kind of betrayal is hard to get past, a divorce is the only way out. However, a divorce doesn’t stop the cycle of the offending partner ignoring the other partner’s needs.

Not being validated, along with not having mutual respect can be damaging to the relationship. Marriages are built on trust, respect, communication, and love. That list is in no particular order, however each one is just as important as the other to the marriage. Without just one of those key proponents, you don’t have a lasting relationship.

Trust

If you can’t trust your spouse, your lifelong partner, the person who stood with you among your family and friends and vowed to spend the rest of your life with, the person who sees you at your most vulnerable, then whom can you trust? Nobody.

Respect

Respect has to be mutual. If you want it, you have to give it. It truly is that simple.

Communication

Talking to your spouse is vital to your relationship. You must take time out of your busy schedule to talk to your spouse every single day. If you don’t have time to talk, how are you going to make important decisions concerning your life together? When something major happens, communicating with each other will be the only thing that gets you through it. Contrary to some beliefs, yelling is not communicating.

What we are discussing, I have unfortunately seen in my own marriage. There are no perfect marriages. My husband and I have been married for twenty-five years. Within those years, we’ve survived affairs, deaths, a premature birth, serious illnesses, interfering in laws; you name it, we’ve done it. The only way we could get through all that is with lots of communication. Communicating with my husband brought back the trust and respect that we lost in our time of need. My husband wasn’t validating me and I certainly wasn’t validating him, that’s how we grew apart. We had to find that need elsewhere with other people.

So you see, validating one’s spouse is very important, just as important as trust and communication. Next time your loved one goes above and beyond the call of duty or just does something nice for you, no matter what it is – thank them.

A New Thought On The Picky Eater Challenge

A New Thought On The Picky Eater Challenge

Stop. Let them be. Yes, you heard me right; leave the child alone. I have three children, and out of my three children, two are extremely picky eaters. I have never made my kids eat what I cooked for dinner. My thoughts on this are that sometimes I need to be in the mood to eat a certain food and if I have to be in the mood to eat, say tacos, then what’s to say that kids don’t have to be in the mood for a particular food as well?

Have you ever had this conversation with a friend or spouse, “Hey, where do you wanna eat tonight?”

“Oh, I don’t care.”

“What are you in the mood for?”

“I dunno. What are you in the mood for?”

“Italian?”

“Nah.”

“Chinese?”

You get the picture.

You plop down a bowl of spaghetti in front of your child and he sticks his nose up. What kid doesn’t like spaghetti? My kid doesn’t like spaghetti. What do you do? Do you force him to eat or do you allow him the choice of eating that or something else? In my home, the kids get 2 choices. They can either eat what I made or they can get themselves something else. Nine times out of ten, they will get themselves a bowl of cereal.

I am a really good cook, I hate doing it, but I am good at it. So, this doesn’t tell of my cooking skills, however, this does tell of how our children also have different tastes than we do. It’s simple really if you think about it. Babies eat baby food. Why? Because their taste buds (and teeth) haven’t formed yet and their needs are different than adult’s needs. When the babies reach toddler age, we still feed them in a different way, but we continue to expand their palates. Then, all of a sudden we stop feeding them in different ways and make them eat what we eat and when we eat. Does that make sense? It doesn’t to me.

I cringe when I hear of children being bribed to eat something that they don’t want. I also feel the same way when I hear of children being forced to clean their plates. The child has been given a huge portion and has eaten most of her meal. But, to get her dessert, she must clean her plate. Studies have shown that this habit leads to adult obesity because the child sized brain can not say, “Hey, I’m full!” And, now the adult sized brain doesn’t recognize when its belly is full.

In my experience of being a mother for 25 years, as long as you continue to offer your children different foods to at least try, then that’s all you can do. I choose to pick my battles, and I refuse to battle over food.  

Unruly Teenagers? Here's Help

                                       Unruly Teenagers? Here’s Help

Who hasn’t had their teenager tell them that they hate them? I know I haven’t. Any and all punishment I gave my kids was met with an equally and just as hurtful statement such as I hate you. But, what are you going to do? Nothing because you know that at the time of the disciplining they mean it, but in 20 minutes or so they will ask for something and then you will again be an awesome mom or dad. 

It’s one of those ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ moments. Seriously, we can’t always be the good guy and our kids have to know this, and one way for them to learn this is by setting guidelines for them, having expectations that they can easily meet, and respecting them and their space.

I’m certainly not saying to let them run rampant. What I am advising is to allow them some choices. Because allowing them to be able to make their own choices earlier in their life, will enable them to be able to make even better choices later in their life.

 But, let’s say that someone replaced your darling sweet precious daughter with the teenager from hell and she is capable of ripping your house apart within 2 seconds. Let’s also say that a switch gets flipped inside her brain where she is the sweet lovable child that you remember for a few seconds and then suddenly turns into someone you do not recognize, but you are now getting more familiar with as you are seeing this person more and more. Now what should you do?

Take a deep breath and realize that this too, shall pass. This phase will last until she is in her mid-twenties or so then she will remember everything you have ever done for her and how you have stood by her through it all. She will also apologize and thank you for getting her through those teenaged years.

I know that doesn’t help you now, right at this very moment. Don’t worry I am here to help. What you should do now depends on how destructive, disrespectful, and disobedient your child is being. Is she or he the devil spawn? Or is she or he just being the typical over assertive teenager? If it is the first, you may need to consider counseling. However, if your teenager is like the latter, this is easy peasy.

                            Guidelines – The Foundation Of Your Home

One thing that needs to be done is that you need to sit down and look at your guidelines. If you don’t have any, then that’s where the problem lies and it will be difficult to start implementing any guidelines now since the kids in your home have been running amuck from the very beginning. However, it isn’t impossible.

To get started on devising your list of guidelines (I am use the word guidelines instead of rules because rules are made to be broken…) sit down with your whole family and go through everything you would like for them to do and how you want them to act. You need to listen to your children’s opinions and objections, because unless there is total cooperation from everyone, no amount of guidelines will work. Also discuss the repercussions for not following the household guidelines and listen to your children’s opinions to these as well. However, the parents should be the ones to determine the consequences, not the children because that gives them too much power.

The guidelines and expectations will be different for each family. But some examples that have worked in my family are the following:

·        Homework is to be done as soon as you get home from school.

·        You will do your own laundry beginning at the age of 12.

·        Overnight stays only happen on weekend nights.

·        You will respect this house by not slamming doors or throwing objects.

·        You break it, too bad. I will not replace it.

·        I do not have to like your friends (and vise versa) but they must be respectful in my home. If not, they are not welcome back.

·        If you want the name brand shoes/jeans/shirts, get a job and pay for them yourself.

·        However, your job is to get an education first.

Those are just a few of our guidelines that we had when our children were younger. They knew what was expected of me and I knew what I could expect of them.

Ok, guidelines are in place, now what? Now you need to follow through with the guidelines and consequences especially if they choose not to follow these guidelines. And, they will try to challenge them. Do not allow the consequences to be up for debate because the children know exactly what is going to happen if they do not follow them, and if you allow leniency just once, they will not take the guidelines seriously.

                                                         Respect

“Men are respectable only as they respect,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson

The most important part of raising children is giving them the respect that you demand as a parent. Respect is earned, not given to willy-nilly, nor by demanding it, but by showing it to people first. How do you show respect to your children? The most first step in showing respect to your children is by making them feel important. Or, in simpler terms; spend time with them. That’s it. It is crucial to start this when they are young, that way you are less apt to run into respect issues as they grow into teenagers. Nevertheless, you can always show respect to your children, regardless of age. 

There have been recent studies to show that spending time with your children will increase their self-esteem and make them more willing to seek out positive social interactions. Sometimes the reason why teenagers act out towards their parents is due to peer pressure. If they already have a good grip on their self-esteem, they will want to pursue positive relationships with other people. The very first positive relationship should always be with their parents.

     This Doesn’t Help Me – I Have The Devil Child From You-Know-Where   

Why do you have the devil’s child? What happened? Something must have happened for your child to act like this way. Is it drugs or alcohol induced? Is it depression? Is it peer pressure or trouble at school? Is it because of something that is happening in the family such as an illness, death or a divorce? Find the reason, because within the reason is the solution.  

There are two thoughts to this scenario. The first being to seek professional help. The second is to start from where you know the trouble started and focus on that, but not too much where that is the main focus. Acknowledge it, it happened, now move on.

For more help with teenaged drug or alcohol addiction, this may help as I have limited experience on this type of issue:  http://www.theantidrug.com/ei/

A good website to help your teenager deal with grief is this one: http://www.webmd.com/balance/helping-teens-who-are-grieving

If you need any more help with your teenager, don’t hesitate to ask. If I don’t know the answers, we will find them together.

Part two of this article will be posted within a day or two. 

How To Achieve True Happiness

                              How To Achieve True Happiness From Within

It is too bad that after you hear, “I now pronounce you husband and wife” it isn’t followed with a handing out of an instruction manual. How much easier would it be if we had one of those manuals to get through life? Everybody would be in a perfect relationship, children would be very well behaved, and there would be no prisons. But, fortunately or unfortunately, however you want to look at it, we all have free will. Let’s not forget, we also have the pursuit of happiness. Thomas Jefferson said so. However, I do believe that we take that part of the Constitution too literal.

Some men and some women will use that line as a way to excuse their infidelities in their marriage. “It’s my right to try and be happy.” It may be your right, but aren’t you possibly going about it the wrong way?

If we believed that other people are responsible for making us happy, then this would be a justifiable excuse for infidelity. Yet, this is not the case; we are only responsible for our own happiness.

No marriage is without its ups and downs. I know this because we’ve had our share of ups and downs in my own marriage. I want my husband to be happy, as he wants the same for me. We do things for each other in the hopes that it will make the other one happy. Yet, if one of us is displeased in our relationship or more importantly with ourselves, nothing we can do for the other will make us happy. In fact, trying to make the other half happy will only result in agitation from him or her and exhaust us from all those attempts to make the other happy.

Happiness comes from within us, not from other people or things. To be exact, it is nobody else’s responsibility to make you happy but yourself. Think for a minute, what makes you happy? Puppy kisses, a call from a loved one, a nice breeze on a summer day, or maybe a warm bath on a chilly night? How long do these things make you happy several seconds, hours, what about a day? These are moments in life that are good to have and leave us feeling happy, but it isn’t true happiness.

To achieve true happiness we must have peace of mind. We must be secure with ourselves and we must realize that what life hands us, whether it is a goal met or a disastrous event, we will come through it just fine with new goals and plans in place. Life is nothing more than a ride. It can be a an amusement park ride with many ups and downs and twists or it can be a smooth slow moving ferry boat ride. It’s your choice. It’s your journey. Have faith in yourself that you will be able to get through anything life throws at you.

When you have peace within yourself those puppy kisses, that long awaited phone call, the cool breeze on a warm summer day, or the warm bath on a chilly night will be all that more appreciated.

The lesson to learn is that we cannot be truly happy with others if we’re not happy with our own self. Why? Because, we can’t recognize that those little moments of happiness are not true happiness. We will want those little moments to last forever, which is impossible. We may even keep trying to find those little moments in other things, such as overspending, gambling, or other self-destructive ways.

If you are unhappy, look inward at yourself, not outward at the other people in your life or the things you do or don’t have, then change what needs to be changed to give you true happiness. Be kind to yourself.

Decide today that from this moment on you will choose to be happy. What happened yesterday let go of, because it happened yesterday. Tomorrow hasn’t happened yet, so don’t worry about tomorrow. Concentrate on the today, the here and now. When we fret over the past and worry about the future, we miss the blessing that is today. We tend to over analyze what worries us and miss all the little moments in our life because we are too focused on what worries us. When in fact, the things that we worry over were nothing to stress about in the first place. Let tomorrow happen. Make like a waterfall and just go with the flow.

My Sincerest Apologies

I do have 3 articles that I am working on and will be posting, hopefully soon. One is about unruly teenagers and how to get them to be respectable again, one is about how we talk to people and the words we use, and the last one is about validating our spouses.

In the meantime, I am still posting on my other blog http://jally-thelifesandlovesofjally.blogspot.com/ plus reading, chasing birds around, cleaning up bird messes, and school will be starting soon so I get to fight with my son every morning to get a move-on! YIPPY SKIPPY!! <----note the sarcasm. Seriously though, this is his last year and I will cherish this year because he is the baby of the family and will soon be off on his own like his sisters.

My son, my baby has high functioning autism and my goal is to get him to live independently. I am aware that it may be a challenge for him, but I am up for it. I like a good challenge. He has made it to the age of 18 without any major meltdowns and/or setbacks, so I must be doing something right! Yes? No? Maybe....

Free Ebook About Blogging and How To Get Started

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/470iK6/www.getpaidtowriteonline.com/Ebooks/GSIB%20Ebook.pdf

Pass it along :)